And they call it puppy love

People stared. She couldn't for the life of her understand why they stared. Quizzically, as if she were the most peculiar thing they had ever crossed paths with. Some went as far as to scoff, some rolled eyes, some chewed their lower lips as if to stop themselves from saying anything and some had actual astonishment shining in their eyes.

What had she done that was so unheard of? What was she attempting to do that was so ludicrous? Why did she constantly feel the need to explain herself? She wasn't one of those girls who "always knew she was different" nor was she the odd one that "never quite fit in". She had always been the girl everyone knew and loved - always reliable, always rational and logical, consistently impressive.

Suddenly, it was as though she had fallen from grace. A shameful husk of the woman they all thought she was meant to be. It was a cruel world. Poor countries plagued by war and disease, rich countries fuelled by greed and sex, women who dressed like whores, men who thought of nothing other than power and cynicism that ruled all of mankind.

She was in love. In this modern world it appeared that falling in love was only for fools. The kind of fool that is considered to be of lower intelligence, the poor sod who is misinformed and the imbecile who was waiting to be made into a cautionary tale. In a world full of cynics, suddenly it was a sin to fall in love. Clearly, it was not the kind of love modern-day mankind has found to be socially acceptable.

It was a strange love. The kind that made the scoffers, misanthropes, disbelievers and sceptics talk about while they sipped coffee at swank cafes. What kind of a stupid woman does what she had done for a man? Surely she is a flaming idiot. Touted to be intelligent, contemporary and truly an informed, educated lady, how could she have made such decisions?

As she sat down on her cushy couch in her lovely, modest home with a cup of coffee in her fluffy pink dressing gown - only after having painted her nails a fashionably odd shade of grey she thought, "Why does everyone call me a fool?" Never one to lose touch with her own feelings, she began to dissect the workings of the outer world of cynics and 'judgers'.

She had fallen in love. Quite simply, rather easily. That was the first step towards being laughed at by the world's cynics. Although, the love for this man had started out carefully enough, she was as cautious as the average prevailing human on the planet. At some point, however, the scales tipped and she fell straight into the world of fools.

She was now madly in love with him. She fought wars with herself, with her family, sometimes with her friends and she had lost many important people in her life. Each one who had chosen to exit her life did so because they thought she was a fool for being in love and following her heart. She had a fabulous education. The kind people envy, they wonder how on earth she did it and what motivated her to accomplish it.

Sipping her now cold coffee, she realised academics was easy. How hard is it to study? How hard is it to learn something new? How hard could it possibly be to just concentrate long enough to churn out a positive result? Nothing was too difficult for the mind. It was matters of the heart that were truly difficult. Strangely, it seemed to her that matters of heart were quite simple too.

She knew why they thought she was a fool. She had sacrificed a potentially amazing career to be with him, moved countries to be with him and fought with loved ones for the right to be with him. Historically, those sacrifices were pale compared the wars fought and nations destroyed for the sake of love. Yet, in the new world she was considered a fool rather than a visionary. A failure rather than a success. A cautionary tale rather than an inspiration.

The love she felt was now unheard of. She adored him, idolised him, accepted him whole-heartedly, is constantly enthused by him, incessantly attracted to him, forgiving of his trespasses, understanding of his flaws, idealistic about their future together, faithful to him, hopeful for him. She could only see how happy they were together, how successful they could be and how passionately they loved each other. Only one animal on the planet could possibly feel so strongly for a human. Truly, she was like a puppy. She followed him everywhere, all around house, she waited for him patiently while he was away at work, she spun in excitement when he came home, she enthusiastically played with him, she showered him with kisses, she sat by him as he rested in the evening, she ate with him while they shared their stories for the day. She kept no secrets from him, she wanted to be with him constantly.

Why is it called puppy love? Is it still puppy love when it feels like it has been going on forever? She was in love with a man she could easily call her best friend, she knew that her constant energy and excitement bordered on annoying, but weren't puppies just like that too? When did the world stop believing in that kind of love? When did it become acceptable to just like someone instead of loving them with all your heart and soul? When did we stop having faith? When did hope get placed on the back burner and when did doubt take centre stage?

She knew that she could be the world's biggest fool for being so madly in love. For trusting someone so implicitly, for allowing someone room to cause serious hurt and damage. When did we forget that we as humans are strong enough to bounce back after being hurt? When a puppy that is unloved by an owner is then given to someone who loves him so much, that puppy long forgets the pain of the past and believes with all his heart that this love will last. When did we stop being puppies? Why have we all forgotten how beautiful it is to love boundlessly?

When did it become alright to judge someone who can and will love so easily? Why is she a fool? Aren't you a fool for not allowing yourself the joy and pleasure of giving someone your heart without expecting anything in return? Aren't you a fool for not giving yourself the chance to be loved and moved by somebody? She knows that he could hurt her, just as the puppy knows its owner could abandon it yet she loves him so unconditionally. She has evolved to a point where the potential of pleasure outweighs the risk of pain and she is considered to be a fool? Surely not.

The cynics, scoffers and disbelievers are wrong. This puppy will always be hopeful. This puppy with always love with all its little heart. This woman knows that some things are worth fighting for. This woman knows that if she gets hurt she will find love again. This woman loves him so much that if in the end, he really does hurt her it she knows that she gave it her all. This puppy loves you and would love you again and again and again. If we could all just love with the maturity and faith of the puppy, the world would probably be a better place.

If you could stop, for just a second and allow yourself to fall, you would see that this woman - in her cushy house, on her comfy couch, sipping on her cold coffee after having painted her nails a fashionably odd shade of grey is so much happier than you are, you would realise that it's called puppy love not because it is stupid or immature, but because it is the wisdom of knowing that doing something with all your heart will in fact make your dreams come true. Happiness is in the hands of the lover, not just the loved. Let someone love you today.   

Who are you and where is Raynes??

Recently lots of thoughts, ideas and opinions have bubbled to the surface. While I am rarely prone to rants and giving you my opinion - mostly because the difference between my opinion and a slice of pizza is that you probably would've asked for the pizza - this time I would like to talk about people. People that send me off the deep end and stupidity that makes me want to blow my brains out.

We are all idiots. Don't fucking sit in your chair (you pompous shithead) and assume you're somewhat-possibly-covertly smarter than everyone else. We're all dumb as soup and the sooner you accept that the faster you will find this post palatable.

1) fucktard women who think it is easy to get pregnant in your mid-late thirties. You know it isn't. Stop thinking "Ohhhh I love kids and can't wait to have them but I am just so focused on my career right now." or even better, "I don't want them now, but I'm not saying my mind won't change later on." Don't be an idiot. If you are physically, emotionally and mentally ready, fucking go for it - with or without a partner, whatever tickles your fancy. You will never have enough money, you stupid bitch. Don't whine, bitch, moan and seek sympathy when you end up childless/having a child with a disability of some sort. You knew what you were doing.

2) fucktard  mid-late thirties men who think they are still young. You're not. You're a couple of years away from being an old, somewhat malodorous has-been. Get your shit together and grow the fuck up. There is nothing more unattractive than a middle-aged man who hasn't figured himself out.

3) there are occasions in life when you just have to entertain the possibility that just because you're older, doesn't mean you know better. Somethings have nothing to do with age. Fucking deal with it. You are not in a position to give advice just because you are older. Unless you're a fucking expert in the field you're blathering about, shut the fuck up.

4) facebook-update-addicts: no one gives a shit that you just woke up. No one gives a shit that you are stuck in traffic - at most they care that you're using your phone while driving instead of concentrating on the road. You idiot.

5) hashtag-addicts: #you #are #an #idiot. What is the point of it? Again: No one gives a shit. Number 4 and 5 bring us to a common tie-in: NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. That's right. It's a fact of life. People don't have to care about you, they choose to. Until they choose to, no one gives a shit whether you're alive at all. And people certainly don't care about how you feel - I know right now I sure don't.

6) bad drivers are able to ACCURATELY drive other people up the wall. If you have been told you're a bad driver, you are probably less qualified than gigantic slug to drive. Get off the road before you kill someone/someone kills you (much to the joy of everyone else)

7) people who assume they are safe and then are shocked when bad things happen. We are never fucking safe. Humans are fucking monsters. You know you have evil, unreasonable thoughts all the time. Most people have the ability to stop themselves from acting out their evil thoughts but there is always some fucker who is "disinhibited" or even worse, on meth. There are baddies everywhere. It's different if you live amongst animals only. Animals are incapable of malice, humans are capable of things far worse than any damage an animal could possibly do to you. Remember that the next time you let your kids walk out of the house alone.

8) rude to waiters and people in customer service? You are asking to have your meal and/or things sabotaged. Don't be a dick. People who are rude to people in the service industry are clearly incapable of understanding that one day the tables might turn. What goes around comes around, bitch. One day you might have an encounter with one of the nasties mentioned in Number 7. Yea, that retard on meth who swore you looked at him funny. Yeap. You're in trouble now.

9) violent, abusive people. This is a special lot. The ones who abuse their kids/wive/husbands/family members, the ones who beat people up, the ones who are almost inevitably caught hurting people physically on CCTV/basically any bloody criminal. Yea, these people shit me. Why do you feel the need to hit someone? Are you a) on meth or b)"disinhibited"? You are the reason people are scared of each other.

10) sex predators. KILL YOURSELF NOW. Slit your wrists. Hang yourselves. Poison yourselves, but before you do, update your facebook status and #don't #forget #the #hashtag.

I haven't gotten round to bullies, manipulative people, employers that refuse to see the potential in people and self-righteous preachers. If you found this offensive, let me know which number upset you and I will proceed to not give a fuck.

Warm regards, cuddles and fluffy pillows,
Reading Raynes - the Reading that really doesnt look, act, think or talk like her real self. The real Reading Raynes will be back soon!

The Sickness

I suppose one could say it starts with a bite. A bite so painless, so undetectable one would not even be able to tell he was bitten at all. The seemingly harmless bite that changes a man's life - slowly but surely, gently but progressively, inconspicuously but insistently.

The introduction of something so destructive, so soul-destroying, so infectious is marked only by this bite - unseen and not sensed by man. He could have been bitten at a young age, long before adolescence or as an adult, after having lived peacefully and without conflict. Most will fall prey to this deadly virus early in life and learn to cope with it - almost never thriving, merely surviving. Some - the lucky few - struggle against it painfully and win the battle against it, and some just struggle sans victory.

We see it everywhere, examples of it flood the mind once acquainted with this ailment. Anybody and everybody has fallen prey to it. The way none of you move when the fire alarm goes off in your office building because you do not want to look like the panicky imbecile who jumped at nothing. The way you immediately feel self-conscious when you are the only one who showed up to a fancy dress party in an actual fancy dress. The way you made choices in life because you knew it would provide security. The way you did not step up to the plate because you did not want to be the only one who pursued a career in baseball even though you knew you were quite possibly the best. The way you chose the partner your mother approved of and not the one who made your heart soar. The way you changed who you really are so you could fit in. The way you sacrificed your hopes and dreams so that you could belong. The way you left behind all those amazing qualities you had because it did not help you become a functioning member of society.

This sickness, this disease, this life-destroying debility only becomes pronounced when it is drawn to your attention - and it is always brought to your attention in the most vicious and violent manner. As abrupt as a slap in the face and as shocking as a fatal car crash, it almost always manifests itself with the worst kind of symptoms. Sudden uncontrollable sadness, inconsolable dismay, hopelessness, a loss of self confidence, doubtfulness, faithlessness and every other unimaginably sorrowful emotion are symptoms of this disease. The bite that actually was indoctrination brought about the sickness that is conformity.

Conformity. Compliance. Acquiescence. Obedience. Abidance. We are so wrapped up with what is "in accordance with socially dictated norms" that we do everything and anything to destroy our very own personalities. Some are victorious by means of brazenly going against socially prevailing standards, some live consciously knowing that they have conformed and have made peace with and some are like Sarah, at a point in life where somewhere, somehow, something is attempting to control what she should do, say and think. Now the case below may not be an absolutely accurate example of the horrors of conformity, but it is real and it is true - which makes it pretty much on the money.

Recently, Sarah wanted to apply for a job. The advertised position appeared benign and open enough. Liberal even. Her heart stopped when she read the online job description - it was almost as though it was written just for her, only for her eyes. She immediately thought this was the one. The one job that will allow to be "her" while an income is generated. She was sadly mistaken. 'Sadly' being the key word in that last sentence.

She contacted the appropriate employers and they sent her an application package. 'Package' being the key word. There is such a thing as selection criteria which is an attempt to cut out the unqualified, inexperienced and unprepared. You are meant to address each selection criteria with specific, detailed examples. While she can respect that this is a means of decreasing the selection pool and increasing the chances of finding the most 'superior' candidate, she is shattered by the realisation that she is supposed to mould herself, her skills and her personality to fit the description of the 'ideal' candidate.

She is required to conform. She is required to say - even perhaps lie - that she is exactly what they are looking for. She is supposed to add shiny embellishments. She is supposed to be somebody she is most likely not. This narrowed, highly specific selection criteria has brought about the need to conform, and it is not sitting well. Rather than say "show us what you have and we will see whether the job suits you" they say "this is what we want and this is who you need to be for the job" and she is completely shattered.

Why have we given in to conforming? Why have we succumbed to it? Why are we so unhappy? Everyone says they made the choice to give up their dreams yet constantly regret them. Petulant as it may sound, she does not want to conform. She does not want to mould herself to be the 'ideal' candidate. She does not want to lie or embellish, she wants to be given the chance to prove herself and what she is capable of. She wants an opportunity. She wants the fortune of being chosen for a job that suits her and not the other way around.

She refuses to compromise and conform, she is sadly not the ideal, superior candidate. She is not the right 'package'. She probably never will be. When did we stop being individuals and when did we start losing ourselves for the sake of an income? We apply for jobs that we renovate ourselves for, instead of creating or finding a job that is built for us. A job will be chore if it is not the role we are best suited for and lifetime of doing something society says is best for us will be the death of us. She is sad, she feels doubtful and hopeless yet she knows that she will wake tomorrow morning and do something that confirms that she is in fact still her. She will fight against the sickness that is conformity.  

She is lucky, isn't she? She felt the bite when she was told that she has to fit into certain dimensions. She feels the symptoms, but she will not live with this disease for long. She will win against the sickness that is conformity. She is lucky. Luckier than you.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 

                                                                         - Ralph Waldo Emerson