Folks, I'm having a serious block here. I sat down to write today, and this was all I could come up with. Seriously, I need to be shot. I've got it bad.
1) It was a “trust” exercise, one of those things you do at a motivational course for staff. She thought he would catch her. He didn’t.
2) She was chatting with her best friend on her mobile phone. She saw a man dart out in front of her to cross the road and swerved. She hit a garbage bin.
3) He thought she meant a plastic cup instead of a glass mug when she said, “Light beer, please.”
4) The three of them were walking down the street, like the tourists they actually were. Paying no attention to the pigeons fluttering about them, they chatted and pointed their cameras at the national monuments ahead of them. It was then that a pigeon flew a little too low and hit Reading Raynes in the head. True story.
5) Reading has always been a little clumsy. She thought it would be funny to take a photo in a classic phone booth, with the red grills and the handy little door that swings outwards. It was the end of winter, and things weren’t as icy as expected. She slipped and fell – in a phone booth. True story.
6) She was going to hit him hard. Just as she swung her hand toward him, he farted – a near fatal odour released. He then said, “It’s my guard dog.” True story.
7) She knew it was going to be a tight-fit when she saw the size of the parking spot. Worse still was the fact that she had to reverse in. She took a grand total of 17 minutes before a man knocked on her window and offered to park for her.
8) It was truly an impressive sight, Batu Caves in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Having climbed over a thousand steps to reach the top to see the cave and being only seven years old, she could not have known that monkeys may attack her. They stole the slice of blackforest cake she had been carrying. They stole cake from a seven-year old. True story.
9) The cramping pain in her stomach meant only one thing – diarrhea was imminent. Lucky for her she was in a hospital. She made her way to one of the “visitor” toilets and let the brown waters of the Reading Raynes River flow. And then realised the flush was broken. True story.
10) It was a group discussion. Andy Warhol’s painting of Chairman Mao fetched over a 100 million dollars. He thought they should do something to make some money. He suggested they paint Celine Dion. True story.
11) Why did the phone have to ring when she was rushing through the door to get to the toilet. The ringing was persistent. Could it be an emergency? Ignoring the call of her bladder, she charged towards the phone and picked it up. Her socks got wet in the process. True story.
12) She wanted to make fun of the hot, young dancer on tv. She began to groove and shimmy for his entertainment – and heard her own back break. True story.
13) She was brilliant. With an IQ of over 130 and a PhD, she got stuck in a tank top.
14) Feeling light-legged after a long night, she got out bed and her feet got tangled in a bra on the floor. Next to it, she found a post-it note that read, "It's a booby trap." True story. Damn him.
A conversation I had with my Hamster Boyfriend named Wong recently:
RR: Bee, I think I’m having angina. It’s an angina attack. It’s so painful. It feels like something is crushing my chest! I can’t breathe. The pain is radiating up my neck. I’m having tachycardia, tachypnea, and on a scale of 1 to 10, the pain is a 4! Oh my god, I’m having a heart attack! (flailing arms alternating with clutching her neck)
Wong: (very calmly, almost ignoring the panicked RR) Maybe your bra is too tight, love?
RR: I took it off because I couldn’t breathe! Oh my god, I think I have ischemic heart disease! What should I do? Oh shit. I’m nauseous. It’s a heart attack. Bee, if I die, will you arrange my funeral?
Wong: (still does not care about RR) Bee... uh... maybe you overate again. It’s reflux.
RR: (disappointed) Oh... Whatever. I could have died... (suddenly begins to panic again) Oh my god! I have reflux! Holy shit!
Wong: Stop eating so much. Piggy child.
RR: *sulk*
Now you all know how bad I've got it. I really can't seem to hold an idea in my head long enough to put it in words. I will try again tomorrow, okay? For now, this'll have to suffice. You poor things. Heathens. Maybe if you guys read my blog more often I wouldn't have to write crap, now would I? Leave me a comment, give me some inspiration, will you? Catch chapters of The Builder and other stories at the "Lost Something? Find a Story here!" Section. I will keep trying to churn out something new for you, okay? I'm sorry! Much love!
I like this one....i am paying attention
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