The Carrot

Sorry for the delay folks! Chapter 13 served up with truffle oil, I tells yas! I had to quit my job, meet uni application deadlines and write statements of intent!
Missed a chapter or two? Read them here! Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. To the folks at the hospital (you know who you are *wink wink) thanks for the support and much love!

“But, but, but what? Dynaco is all-American. It’s really is owned by the ‘Spooks’. Which is why they’ll be the ones to test it! And then Dynaco will commission it. Easy-peasy, no problemmo, right?” Fallon asked, sincerely trying to get Jake to understand the whole issue. “You still look confused. What’s the problem now?


“What I don’t understand is, why nuke land and then claim it? Human beings can’t survive on that kind of land, let alone animals and plants and stuff!” Jake groused.

“That’s what you think, Builder. All land becomes viable, with time. It’s been decades since Chernobyl, not centuries. Dynaco plans on surviving for centuries. You think Pripyat is no-man’s land? Bullshit. The meltdown happened in 1986, you think that land belongs to the Ukrainians? You think it won’t be worth something a hundred years from now? Bullshit. It’s no longer theirs. I’ll buy you a ticket. Subtle signs will tell you that the big town belongs to Dynaco. Don’t ever assume human beings know jack about nuclear physics. We don’t know any of the effects.”

“Exactly! If we don’t know what the long-term effects are, why the hell would we want land that’s totally dead?” Jake pressed, he was irritated.

“You don’t understand what’s important to the continuation of the species, Jake. Really. So what if we have to wait a couple of centuries? In fifty years or so, there’ll be ways of nuclear fall-out management, land neutralization and complete naturalization. Sure, life will feel a little ‘plastic’ but it’s L-A-N-D! Now, let me tell you something, Sun Tzu said ‘a good fighter will be terrible in his onset, and prompt with his decision’. Do you get it? God, you’re stupid.”

“Stop insulting me and explain yourself. I’m no Confucius. Not deep enough to understand your crap,” Jake roared.

“This is the beginning of the battle for Dynaco. Like in the movies, the little boy who’s being beaten by bullies will fall to the ground. Dynaco has fallen to the ground. The little boy is terrible in his onset, Dynaco is terrible in its onset. All of a sudden, the little boy gets up and beats the crap out of the bullies, with swift, sharp blows – knocking them out. An inspirational story for all, mothers and their children leave the cinema feeling good. Dynaco will wait for the right moment to deliver a swift, sharp blow – and it’ll become the winner,” the Melon Felon said. “And, as far as Confucius is concerned, he said ‘if I fight, I conquer’,” Fallon said, fists raised playfully.

Raising an eyebrow at that last statement, Jake laughed to himself. Fallon really had a warped sense of logic, but he was brilliant and understood far more about the world than anyone else. He was touched that Fallon actually took the time to explain everything to him. Filled with trepidation for the upcoming DOD test in Nevada, Jake resigned himself to the basement for the rest of the night but not before hitting Fallon with a parting shot of his own.

“Thanks Fallon. I really appreciate you explaining everything to me. Tomorrow we’ll talk about who’s going to be blamed for all this.”

“Hah. That’s something you’ll have to figure out on your own, Builder. No one knows who Dynaco is going to frame. You have to admit though; the guys in Dynaco are brilliant. Who would think their headquarters weren’t on American soil? These evil scientists are in Prague! Walking across the Charles Bridge all the time, anytime. No one knows a damn thing about people like us. Don’t bother thanking me, country boy,” Fallon said, before turning back to his desk and picking up the nuts and wires that he had dropped.

***

He must have fallen asleep in the basement. Pins and needles in his left leg and a complete lack of sensation in his left arm were telling signs. Stretching and trying to regain functionality, he looked at the clock. It was almost nine in the morning. On a normal day, he would be opening the shop, preparing the cash register and dusting the floor mats. Instead, he was sleeping on a stool, in a hot, muggy workshop. He went upstairs to find the three geniuses having breakfast, if pizza could be considered breakfast.

“Hey Jakie-poo! You look sleepy! And tasty! Mmmm...” Jo said as she bit into a steaming slice of what looked like a pepperoni with extra cheese. It was at that exact moment that he looked at her, and then had to do a double-take. She was wearing a carrot-suit. A bright orange, well, carrot suit. Where her hair was supposed to be, was a mass of green ‘sprouts’ and she wore white leggings to go with it. Her arms and head were bare, and she had painted her nails bright orange and completed the absurd outfit with her staple orange heels. He had to be hallucinating. He figured sleeping in the wrong position could cause brain damage too.

“Jo, you’re a pervert. Why don’t you find yourself a boyfriend so you can put us all out of our misery? You’re a menace!” James said, flinging a slice of pizza onto her plate. “Hey Jake, grab a seat, there are two more boxes. If you don’t eat some of it, Hootch will.”

Jake moved silently to the table and then realised he needed coffee if he were expected to suffer the company of the “Three Wise Men”.... or “Two Wise Guys and one Wise Woman” or whatever. He was still groggy. “Guys... uh, is it just me or is Jo wearing a carrot-suit? Am I dreaming?”

“Oh, I knew you’d dream of me, Jakie-poo. I’m so flattered!” Jo exclaimed excitedly, earning herself dirty glares from everyone at the table. “Fine, fine, fine. Stop being such a tight-arse Jake, I’m volunteering at the veggie-market. Figured it would be good to look the part, you know?”

“No – I don’t. Honestly, I don’t,” Jake said, still eyeing her suspiciously, as though he was not convinced that it really was not a dream.

“Neither do we,” Fallon said, ignoring Jo. “Okay guys, three days to the test. The DOD is bringing its own bomb, so we’re good to go, right Jake? I checked out the payload casing and the mount, it’s almost per-fucking-fect. All we need now is for James here to finish up with the launching and homing software.”

“Oh my god! Road trip! I can’t wait! Jakie-poo, you, me and Hootch will take Magdalene. You get to ride up front with me! Are you excited?” Jo said, waggling her eyebrows at him.

Running his hands through his hair, “Uh. And how are we going to transport the payload carrier?”

“The U-Haul truck parked out there? Did you forget that’s what I came here with? Dipshit,” Fallon said, as he continued to wolf down pizza slices like a trashcan.

“Does that mean I have to ride with The Melon? Fuck that! I’m coming with you guys! The dog can go with Fallon, their breaths smell the same,” James said, feeling put out.

“Jamesie, Jakie-poo and I need our quiet time. Now, no more arguments. I have to go to work. And boys, it’s Jaimie’s birthday today. Jordi invited us – though only conditionally! Behave yourselves and we might just get an invitation to her tea-party. I bought her a guinea pig for her birthday. His name is Bradley,” Jo cut in.

“Bradley?” Jake said, incredulously.

“Yes, Bradley Fluffybottom the Third. He’s royalty. And wait till you see the awesome propulsion system I designed for his cage,” Jo piped excitedly. Jake knew that Jo sincerely liked Jaimie. He suspected that Jaimie may be a little too mature for Jo, though.

“Guys, we’re going to a party! I haven’t been to a party in, like, forever! How old is she and can I bring a gift?” Fallon asked. Now that was a surprise for Jake. Fallon was interested, and Jake figured Fallon was not invited to very many parties anyway.

They ate the rest of their breakfast in silence, the occasional rude word spilling from either Fallon’s mouth or Jo’s. Jake was actually beginning to feel like part of a team, like he belonged with them. Never in his life had he expected to end up with a group of rude social misfits and enjoy their company. He particularly liked one of the social misfits. The one dressed like a carrot.



I recently realised that I can never post up new chapters when I promise to do so. So I won't announce when they'll be posted, you'll just have to constantly check, heh.