We're Going to Build It!

Missed a chapter or two? Read them here: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

*****Sorry for the delay. The net was down*****

He stared at her blankly, momentarily dazed by her outrageous statement and the swell of her very distracting chest in a neon yellow tank-top. “I-I-I-I don’t build things, dammit.”


“You don’t, we know. Well, brother, you have to. You’re already here, in this room – in this lab, you’ve seen what’s inside, and we’ve already told the big guys that you’re going to build it,” James piped in.

“It’s not that hard, really. You have the skills; you just don’t know it yet. Like a hamster that doesn’t know how to mate, you’ll catch on pretty fast and in no time you’ll have a sea of hamster-children. It’s the animal instinct in you,” said Crazy Jo, looking every bit as crazy as he thought she was. She was also very beautiful when she had that crazy look, he realised.

“What kind of dumb ass analogy is that? Are you sure you’re stable? Give him a minute to absorb this. He hasn’t got a clue,” snapped James. Turning to Jake, “Have you heard of nuclear weapons delivery? We’re going to use existing NORAD technology, fine tune an air to land weapon, mountable to any flying aircraft large enough to hold it and then we’re going to sell it! Buyers will be able to place any form of nuclear weapon, be it a fission or fusion bomb, into it with minimal knowledge and tools”

“The what-what? No. Obviously, I haven’t heard of a nuclear weapons delivery thingy-bop. You want me to build a weapon? Are you out of your minds? And who the hell is Nora?”

“It’s easy, handsome. It’s NORAD - North American Aerospace Defence Command. You’re going to build it, with me as your particle physicist and weapons expert, Jamesie here will build the mother boards and construct necessary software programmes needed. I’ve already ordered the necessary parts – which don’t you worry are totally benign when ordered separately, so no one will have a clue. Even better news! We won’t actually be working with anything ‘nuclear’! Isn’t that a comfort? Well, not really as far as I’m concerned, I do love playing with things that go ‘boom’. The tough bit is, because the parts we’ve ordered are totally useless and un-suspicious, if that’s even a word, although I believe I’m pretty good at language...”

“Focus, Jo! Weaponize it? Are you sure you guys aren’t terrorists?” Jake rasped.

“We’re sure, Jake. You need to trust us. We’re going to sell it. You’ve got 6 weeks to get it done and then we, and I do mean the whole team, have to ship out. We need to set up a comms centre too,” James said. Daring a glance at Jo, “We wouldn’t have been in such a jam if Jo here hadn’t taken so long to bring you into the loop.”

“Hootchie-boy! There you are! Ya hungry? I am too; these awful men are trying to make me feel bad for being slow. I couldn’t help it. I just love Somerset. Sigh. Come here you little beast,” Jo said, paying no attention to James.

Hootch was definitely a beast. He was huge, and shockingly handsome for a dog. He was a mixed breed, so Jake could not tell what kind of dog he was. Short, golden brown fur, with a cropped tail, long legs and a slightly short snout. Right now, Hootch was licking his knee. Trying to give the dog a pet with his bound hands, Jake started to scold the two crazies again.

“First of all, I might be able to figure out how to build one of those things, but I’m going to need schematics. I also want to know what it’s going to be used for. Who are you planning on selling it to?” Jake asked, more confused now than he was before the whole “Nora” statement.

“Jake, Jake, Jake. Sigh. You’re not going to have your cake and strawberry milkshake. We’ll give you a rough sketch. That’s the best you’re going to get. As for how the ‘sell’ goes down, the big guys will set it up. You’re a back ground guy so you won’t be held liable for anything and you’ll be compensated, generously I might add. Although, you’re going to have to swear to secrecy. It’s all a big secret, kind of like what colour James’ underpants are, or if he even wears any.”

“Fucking crazy woman. I’ll show you my underpants if you show me yours! And by the way, it’s ‘you can’t have your cake and eat it too’, num-nuts,” James said, laughing.

“Improvise, Jamesie, improvise. You’ll never learn. So now that we’ve explained everything, let’s rock and roll boys, I’m gettin’ hungry! Hootchie, what do you feel like?” Jo asked the dog. Jake knew she talked to her dog and even discussed dinner with him, so it was no surprise. What was a surprise, though, was the fact that she was supposedly brilliant. James pulled out a pair of keys and uncuffed Jake.

As Jake eased the ache on his wrists by stretching them, Hootch followed Jo. Jake rose and followed her too, enraptured by the swaying of her hips. As he walked through the corridor, he saw the former Coroner’s lab. It had been turned into some kind of workshop, the walls lined with tools and other things needed, such as a blow torch, a heavy metal cooling pot. In a small corner of the room was an area that had the “nuclear” markings, shut off by some kind of glass that he was sure wouldn’t protect him from anything, though he may have seen a door behind it.

Continuing down the corridor, the three of them ended up in the kitchen. Jo picked up the phone and a bunch of papers. Laying them out on the dining table, “So, what should we have? I was thinking tandoori, because some of us like it spicy!” Was she waggling her eyebrows? Could she get any prettier?

“I’m good with Indian. You?” James asked.

“Yeah. Sounds good. Get me some of those naans will you?” Jake said, pleased to hear that dinner was going to be served fast.

“A man after my heart! I’m so happy you’re an adventurous boy, Jake-meister. Okay, so I’m just going to go nuts,” she chirped.

“As if she weren’t nuts already,” James groused.

Jake took a moment to study her kitchen. It was one of those kitchens one would see in cartoons. Cherry-red cabinets, green, granite counter tops, a blue fridge – or at least he figured it was the fridge, an orange, plastic table with mismatched wooden seats and a sink that was a foot and a half deep. She had definitely left her mark, and he was willing to bet her bedroom was anything but boring. Reprimanding himself for thinking about her bedroom – or her at all, he stared at his scuffed brown boots, making a mental note to buy himself a new pair.

As Jo dialled the number to the local Indian restaurant, James pulled out a file from one of the kitchen cabinets and handed it to Jake. He then turned to open the fridge door, which was full of boxes of yoghurt, which earned Jo a questioning look from James.

“What? I love CFBs! Screw you, I let those little buggers live in my gut! Yoghurt is good for you,” she mumbled with one hand covering the receiver.

“CFBs?” James was beginning to hate asking about abbreviations. He had a feeling everything and anything said would be an abbreviation.

“Colony-forming bacteria, Jake. Look, I know this is all very hard to wrap your head around, but I’m going to need you to read the entire file tonight, sign and initial every page and then come back tomorrow to start working on this thing,” James said, with a sigh. “The hard part is that you’re going to have to learn a lot – and you’re going to have to learn it fast. I’ll have Jo pass you some books on heavy metals, building with metals and basic weapon designs. It won’t be big, but it’s going to be noisy, which is why we chose the coroner’s office.”

“This isn’t meant to be done by some lay-person. It has to be done by a pro, and maybe even a few pros! What made you think I could do this? There is no way I could do this on my own,” Jake replied.

“You’re not alone, Jake-meister. You have Hootch, James, me, the billion or so CFBs in your gut – which is why men make extremely smelly poots, by the way. And then there’s Fallon. That turd is coming in next week. He’s the electrical guy who’ll connect Jamesie’s computer crap to our wanda-weapon-base!” Jo screeched. “You’re not alone, you’re anything but,” Jo said gently as she placed the receiver down and began to search through drawers to find loose change for dinner.

“What about Jordi and Chris? How long do you think you can keep this from them? And what about the shop? You can’t just expect me to abandon it for six weeks! I really don’t think I can do this, guys,” Jake said as Hootch jumped up and sat on a seat in preparation for dinner.

Ignoring Jake’s last statement, “Atta boy Hootch! Dinner will be here in a jiffy!” Jo said as she turned to pull our cutlery from a kitchen drawer, which was also cherry pink.

“We chose you because we couldn’t touch anyone from the government research facilities. You’re the only one we can trust, and you’re the only who has the potential to do this, even without the proper training and education. We need you, Jake. And to an extent, you need this to pull you out of that rut you call ‘living’,” James said, trying to comfort Jake.

“Yeaa, it’s going to be you, me, Jamesie, Hootch and Fallon. We’re going to build this ‘thang. Go smart guys, go Hootchie, go Jakey, goooo Supa Nerds!” Jo started cheering as she did some kind of strange jig, or victory dance - maybe she was having a seizure. Jake could not be sure.